Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
