Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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