God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
