I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
