How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
