His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
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I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
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apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.