Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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