Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
