you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
