So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
