i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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