Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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