i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
