At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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