If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I am one with the molecules
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
