I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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