I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
