So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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