why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
