Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
