If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
