It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
