just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I came so hard my ears popped.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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