I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
