He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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