hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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