he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
