and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
