the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
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Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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