Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Vodka?
Forever.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
