I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
