Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
