The maid of honor just puked.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
