i just wanna soil my oats bro
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
