Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
