I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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