the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
what is it with giant penises always finding me
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Randomize
