Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize