I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize