Will you blow on my dice?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
