my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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