You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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