I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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