dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
