Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
