dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
