i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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