Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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