I wish my penis had an off switch
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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