ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
