I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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