I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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