How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I seem to have left my pride at pride
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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