summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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