I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
