Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
