I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
