Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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