Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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